Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death -- though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food. David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA. David Letterman nsa sleep thinking Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." David Letterman humor new-york funny They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes. David Letterman osama-bin-laden study eye People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman inspirational two people I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. David Letterman incapable found doe I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water. David Letterman coffee hate water Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me. David Letterman cities new-york sorry Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then. David Letterman symphony stars beer When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense. David Letterman drinking nuts thinking I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization. David Letterman suicide blow mean Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. David Letterman dog funny travel I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little. David Letterman laughing people thinking My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America. David Letterman political alive america Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes. David Letterman type-2-diabetes dew mountain Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea. David Letterman mexico oil sea Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China. David Letterman writing two needs There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train. David Letterman turkeys thanksgiving new-york You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that? David Letterman use evil promise Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway. David Letterman riding cities new-york Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole. David Letterman cities honor new-york
