Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society. Doug Stanhope More Quotes by Doug Stanhope More Quotes From Doug Stanhope If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women, that your children are at risk of riding that freight train straight into hell or an opium den. Then I'd parlay that fear into a chain of overpriced "rehab" centers that can cure them and shake Satan from their souls. But I am not that ambitious. I am a drunk. Doug Stanhope marijuanalyingchildren People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do. Doug Stanhope weeddrugpeople My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag. Doug Stanhope comedymotherdark Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story. Doug Stanhope differentlongpeople They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem. Doug Stanhope drugproblemdone The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen. Doug Stanhope barsnightpeople Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny. Doug Stanhope being-funnyfun Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch. Doug Stanhope everydayfuntrying If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press. Doug Stanhope killing-yourselffavorsneeds Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it. Doug Stanhope punishmentvicesneeds I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper. Doug Stanhope demolitionexpertsmother Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America. Doug Stanhope costmenamerica Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism. Doug Stanhope suvssupportdrug Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it? Doug Stanhope eggsgirlmoon Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help. Doug Stanhope militarycollegepeople Get the right to marry - and then don't. Doug Stanhope I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual. Doug Stanhope piecespeopleart It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security. Doug Stanhope assairportsjourney I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later! Doug Stanhope filmwatches People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience. Doug Stanhope alligatorsdonepeople
