Doug Stanhope Professions : Stand-up comedian Born : March 25, 1967 Browse All Authors Top 215 quotes by Doug Stanhope Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this. Doug Stanhope mind winning laughing Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met Doug Stanhope hate pride race Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house? Doug Stanhope house kids sex If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child. Doug Stanhope language parent children I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape. Doug Stanhope doctors unique depression You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north." Doug Stanhope rebel atheist two They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding. Doug Stanhope nursing home lying I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me. Doug Stanhope intellect mediocre people There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. Doug Stanhope addiction enjoy funny Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early. Doug Stanhope suicide depression funny Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward. Doug Stanhope baggage heritage moving I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle. Doug Stanhope pills miracle would-be Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment? Doug Stanhope society goal long I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. Doug Stanhope humor funny people One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect. Doug Stanhope paper perfect mean America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box. Doug Stanhope credit giving america There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs. Doug Stanhope humor funny two What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led. Doug Stanhope what-if leader doe Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well. Doug Stanhope accurate voice real If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? Doug Stanhope humor funny believe Similar Authors Brandon T. Jackson stand-up-comedian Amy Schumer stand-up-comedian Bob Newhart stand-up-comedian Al Murray stand-up-comedian Bernie Mac stand-up-comedian Ben Elton stand-up-comedian All Authors
