She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash. Milton Berle More Quotes by Milton Berle More Quotes From Milton Berle Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. Milton Berle white food order I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how. Milton Berle kids sex school Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious. Milton Berle practice law giving I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. Milton Berle christmas mistake giving She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it. Milton Berle italian christmas sports Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide. Milton Berle christmas suicide kids Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. Milton Berle valentine holiday nice If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street. Milton Berle opportunity doors long One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along? Milton Berle wife christmas song My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? Milton Berle christmas giving men When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!" Milton Berle crazy education teacher One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle. Milton Berle uncles education teacher For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble. Milton Berle intelligence teaching education This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!" Milton Berle christmas sleep men It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales. Milton Berle christmas tomorrow today I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands Milton Berle mother two hands I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. Milton Berle middlemen thinking I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. Milton Berle wife christmas twenties It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now! Milton Berle funny-money money funny I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working. Milton Berle brother dream sleep
