Some guy workin' at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can't do it, because whores don't care about lumber. Bill Burr More Quotes by Bill Burr More Quotes From Bill Burr Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe. Bill Burr kings dream jobs You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have Bill Burr events men kids To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again. Bill Burr yelling talking funny You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't Bill Burr running motivational funny Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added pressure to perform. 'Cause it's kinda like you're not just humping for yourself. You're humping for your race. You got to represent your people. Bill Burr race sex people Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich? Bill Burr mcdonalds sandwiches government Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure. Bill Burr surround-yourself roots people Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog. Bill Burr appreciate dog dream I'm an idiot, basically. I don't think that I'm a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about. I'm like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him. Bill Burr laughing school thinking We need a plague. It's gotta happen. And don't worry, it's only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you're gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her Bill Burr sweaters mother men Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking. Bill Burr sunday sleep thinking God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money? Bill Burr mad church I've found is that by doing stand-up, I've actually learned how to combat depression. I don't have clinical, but I've definitely had my bouts with it. I just figured out that it's a choice. You're in control of your brain. When your brain is sending you bad information or bad thoughts, you can decide to go to the gym, or write a new joke - or if you're on the road, go to a ball game... something that's going to get the blood going. Or you can let those thoughts take you right down the rabbit hole. Bill Burr games writing blood Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10. Bill Burr funny Deny your emotions and act like you have answers Bill Burr like-you emotion answers My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose. Bill Burr garden funny two I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels? Bill Burr jealous dad mom I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in. Bill Burr little-things littles funny My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. Bill Burr happenings my-favorite kind If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don't have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break. I'm trying to pay off my apartment so I have something tangible. I actually figured out if I paid off my place my reward would be that I would pay an extra four grand a year in taxes. Bill Burr kids years thinking
