Sometimes I... No, I don't. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot. Steven Wright idiot tired moving I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. Steven Wright garage justice doors 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Steven Wright sarcastic humorous funny I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' Steven Wright phoenix boston years One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. Steven Wright humor house funny Is it weird in here, or is it just me? Steven Wright My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. Steven Wright comedy humor funny If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? Steven Wright owing humor funny What do batteries run on? Steven Wright energy home running You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out. Steven Wright hockey fighting games I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. Steven Wright drinking jobs funny How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? Steven Wright ink humor funny A fool and his money are soon partying. Steven Wright party money funny I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. Steven Wright three looks years I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go" Steven Wright focus taken moving I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house. Steven Wright tv-shows awards giving I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. Steven Wright baby needs thinking A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!" Steven Wright humor beautiful funny Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. Steven Wright humor mirrors funny One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. Steven Wright humor home funny
