The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight. Bill Maher More Quotes by Bill Maher More Quotes From Bill Maher New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids. Bill Maher halloweenchristianjesus White people have always shown their superiority over blacks with their feet, moving out of black neighborhoods with the fear that their kids will turn into one of them. And now, through the magic of MTV, damned if it didn't turn out that way! Bill Maher whitekidsmoving People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black. Bill Maher blackrealpeople This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. Bill Maher speedosworstbeach Mitt Romney, who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, and on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously? Bill Maher etch-a-sketchpakistanborders New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, 'black man loots house, steals white woman.' Bill Maher whitemennight A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! Bill Maher cowboyhumorfunny It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan. Bill Maher depressingarmyremember-you There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder." Bill Maher sceneendsuse If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod. Bill Maher acidipodsmight I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job. Bill Maher airjobspeople Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.' Bill Maher dogdrinkingfall Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair. Bill Maher homemeansex A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out. Bill Maher darkkidsthinking I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance. Bill Maher lawcivilizationsex Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious. Bill Maher hypocritenamestwo The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap. Bill Maher defensewantnext-week How come regional pandering only works in one direction, right? You never see a Southern politician trying to win votes in New York State by saying, 'I read books and make a mean vegan meatloaf.' Bill Maher new-yorkmeanbook Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house? Bill Maher russiahousethinking It somehow became an article of faith on the right that Obama is the most extreme president in American history. Although, when they say that, I think what they really mean is...he's black. Bill Maher blackmeanthinking
