The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around. Joan Rivers girl funny sex Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today. Joan Rivers today years thinking My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples! Joan Rivers feeler nipples lows Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers. Joan Rivers castles tonight actors I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet. Joan Rivers sweaters guy writing I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963. Joan Rivers born next rooms I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke. Joan Rivers rope suicidal night I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are. Joan Rivers accepting approval people I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?' Joan Rivers hate memorable people I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs. Joan Rivers humorous memorable funny You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. Joan Rivers aging fun retirement Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel. Joan Rivers grandchildren pigs talking I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God! Joan Rivers dying reality thinking I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it. Joan Rivers alzheimers comedian memorable The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself. Joan Rivers survival acting thinking Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present. Joan Rivers think-positive optimism dark My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there." Joan Rivers daughter speak memorable I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch. Joan Rivers ak-47 leisure fashion There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune. Joan Rivers degrees self book When you're first-generation money, you want to say, "I got a Mercedes and a Rolls and a Lamborghini. Take a look." When you're second-generation money, you're very quiet behind your country club doors. I think that's why people are much more aware. It's the first-generation wives that have the huge rings and the second-generation says, "Everyone be quiet as we get on our yacht or our private plane." Joan Rivers country people thinking
