I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better. Joan Rivers get-betterwishgrieving We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us. Joan Rivers apologyhumorlaughing Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending. Joan Rivers happy-endingsstarsgiving When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you. Joan Rivers laugh-at-yourselffoollaughing I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers wittybabyfunny If you laugh at it, you can deal with it. Joan Rivers dealsifslaughing I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers hilarioushatefunny At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents. Joan Rivers comedianfuneralage I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Joan Rivers inspirationmemorablesuccess Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client. Joan Rivers wisemeanthinking Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. Joan Rivers luckyfunnyyears Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Joan Rivers calmthought-provokingenjoy I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.' Joan Rivers husbandnamesfunny If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others Joan Rivers ifsfun Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening. Joan Rivers happeningsenjoy moving on is a gift you give yourself. Joan Rivers changegivingmoving Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. Joan Rivers librarymenhands Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. Joan Rivers wisdomwisethinking I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers motherwittyfunny People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers funny-lifemoneyhappiness
