The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess. Amy Schumer More Quotes by Amy Schumer More Quotes From Amy Schumer I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.' Amy Schumer brunch guy funny The girls that I grew up with, and my friends and I, we just never had interests in common. I loved comedy. I loved Saturday Night Live, Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball, and Goldie Hawn movies. I just wanted to laugh. I liked women in comedy, and I liked male comics as I got a little older. My interests just never matched up with other girls'. Amy Schumer girl laughing night I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?' Amy Schumer cute beautiful thinking To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people. Amy Schumer order people needs You shoot saltwater in your ass? Amy Schumer ass The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde. Amy Schumer olivia roles couple I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was. Amy Schumer i-realized never-forget forget My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one. Amy Schumer smart mom wish The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford. Amy Schumer vomiting drug girl The kids didn't call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, 'Excuse me - this is awesome! Amy Schumer amy summer kids My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better. Amy Schumer feel-better wind sex To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see. Amy Schumer men mean people It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna! Amy Schumer best-night best-night-of-my-life night Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves. Amy Schumer kitchen hey boys I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older based on what you like when you're younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crack head. Amy Schumer my-best-friend rocks kids I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows? Amy Schumer get-better imagine want I have gotten death threats - that was scary. But it just made me want to use my voice more. Amy Schumer threat scary I don't try to be feminist. I just am. It's innately inside me. I have no interest in trying to be the perfect feminist, but I do believe feminists are in good hands with me. Amy Schumer feminist perfect believe I've never slept with anyone who could help me at all. No one. I wish I had. If anything, everyone I've had sex with has been a real step in the wrong direction. Amy Schumer real wish helping I just want to get the most money I can. Amy Schumer
