The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.' Dave Barry More Quotes by Dave Barry More Quotes From Dave Barry Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. Dave Barry ark education trying One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium. Dave Barry humorous keys funny It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it. Dave Barry cynical doctors ideas My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart. Dave Barry smart funny children Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: Imagine what it does to your TEETH! So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve. Dave Barry couple humorous teacher Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain. Dave Barry yummy hands years Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Dave Barry stupidity god writing No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Dave Barry balance matter inspirational The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns. Dave Barry humorous food funny I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Dave Barry ice stupidity god A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. Dave Barry perfect-parents inspirational children The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club Dave Barry fire night country If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. Dave Barry inspirational life funny Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors. Dave Barry cat dog wish It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture. Dave Barry gestures statistics may It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. Dave Barry espresso coffee views Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong. Dave Barry cat dog trying When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. Dave Barry crazy business leadership A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. Dave Barry respect motivational inspirational What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series. Dave Barry women respect funny
