There are only two places in the world: over here and over there. George Carlin More Quotes by George Carlin More Quotes From George Carlin That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for. George Carlin wantattentiongiving It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes. George Carlin ordersciencethinking Someone said, and rightfully, that "property is theft'." There's no way a man can stand and tell me that he owns an apple tree. I just don't believe you. And so this pursuit of position and money and power, they are all wrapped up into one package that I think is crippling, debilitating and limiting. And unfortunately, people get sucked into it and then they've got you on the treadmill. You know: ''You've got to have a good job'' and "You've got to have a good education'' - which is another word for indoctrination. We're never going to rise above these limitations we've placed on ourselves. George Carlin jobsmenbelieve I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them. George Carlin dr-philhatefeelings Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.) George Carlin hallucinogensperceptiondoors I think it's important to break taboos for the same reason it's important to break laws and rules - because either you're a slave to them, or you're taking matters into your hands. George Carlin lawhandsthinking All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach. George Carlin christianmencountry Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? George Carlin gas-stationslocksbathroom Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick. George Carlin sickguygiving I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath. George Carlin small-stepssociopathusual Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin funnylongdeath If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. George Carlin catpartystupid Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. George Carlin bleedingstupidpeople You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there. George Carlin peoplepastyears Life is a series of dogs. George Carlin seriesdoglife-is I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails. George Carlin atheistbusinessbelieve History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power. George Carlin happenstancepeople Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet. George Carlin shoesfeel-betterfeet At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three. George Carlin threeagethinking I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. George Carlin doctorsbuildingcomedy
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