There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else. Demetri Martin fartrelatejokes Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro. Demetri Martin velcrobeardway Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web. Demetri Martin spidersdancinglooks I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually. Demetri Martin writingi-like-yousong Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you. Demetri Martin god-bless-youannoyingtwo I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do. Demetri Martin nicebookthinking Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation? Demetri Martin restaurantslisteningtoday I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine. Demetri Martin want-somethingnew-yorkmean Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room. Demetri Martin cookiesmysteryrooms A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls. Demetri Martin bulletproof-vestsweatersgirl I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins. Demetri Martin paperusebook If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person. Demetri Martin good-personpersonsifs When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too. Demetri Martin yeahwantkids I travel alone so much, and the first thought is to grab the damn phone. In airports, just look around. Nobody looks at anybody, or even out the window. It's obvious we can't live without it anymore, and as a comic on the road the phone is an essential tool. It's probably doing more good than bad for me, but it does make me sad that those of us who grew up without mobile phones, we know what we're missing. Demetri Martin comicmissingwindow To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas. Demetri Martin frozentryingblood I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class. Demetri Martin fartclassfirsts They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top. Demetri Martin lonely-at-the-toplonely I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home. Demetri Martin nexttrainhome Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious. Demetri Martin dishwashersefficientchoices I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up. Demetri Martin
