Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. Stephen Colbert gaydrinkingway Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth. Stephen Colbert winemouthsmen Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! Stephen Colbert hungryleaderamerica It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias. Stephen Colbert well-knownrealityfacts Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once. Stephen Colbert suicideblowmen I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. Stephen Colbert marriedconservativegay Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief Stephen Colbert leavingreligiousrooms I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. Stephen Colbert issueslakesbelieve If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. Stephen Colbert 4th-of-julypoliticalfather They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. Stephen Colbert telling-the-truthchildrenpeople After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! Stephen Colbert officesoulpresident There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED). Stephen Colbert scandalbigscommitted And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are. Stephen Colbert bostonrunningblood Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts. Stephen Colbert errorsbusinessfunny Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding? Stephen Colbert communicationcharactermean Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob. Stephen Colbert standards-setgirlperfect Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old. Stephen Colbert funny-valentines-dayshouldtoday Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns. Stephen Colbert gunloversmistake I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are. Stephen Colbert fanschangematter You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back. Stephen Colbert graduationpeopleideas
