This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale. David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA. David Letterman nsasleepthinking Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." David Letterman humornew-yorkfunny They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes. David Letterman osama-bin-ladenstudyeye People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman inspirationaltwopeople I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves. David Letterman incapablefounddoe I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water. David Letterman coffeehatewater Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me. David Letterman citiesnew-yorksorry Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then. David Letterman symphonystarsbeer When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense. David Letterman drinkingnutsthinking I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization. David Letterman suicideblowmean Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. David Letterman dogfunnytravel I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little. David Letterman laughingpeoplethinking My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America. David Letterman politicalaliveamerica Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes. David Letterman type-2-diabetesdewmountain Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea. David Letterman mexicooilsea Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China. David Letterman writingtwoneeds There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train. David Letterman turkeysthanksgivingnew-york You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that? David Letterman useevilpromise Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway. David Letterman ridingcitiesnew-york Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole. David Letterman citieshonornew-york
