Trevor Noah is a very funny guy. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too. Stephen Colbert daughtereyechildren There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home. Stephen Colbert homefunnytravel If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry. Stephen Colbert confusedhomemen Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. Stephen Colbert wikipediawantfirsts Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority. Stephen Colbert atheismworshipreligion If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist. Stephen Colbert governmentguaranteespeople I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart. Stephen Colbert heartbookreality As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds! Stephen Colbert said Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended. Stephen Colbert mediawould-bepeople Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic. Stephen Colbert arbitrarydisciplinekids You may learn sooner than most generations the hard lesson that you must always make the path for yourself...There is no secret society out there that will tap you on your shoulder one night and show you the way. Stephen Colbert graduationinspirationalnight It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country. Stephen Colbert corporationscountryfather Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. Stephen Colbert perceptionmatterfacts Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans. Stephen Colbert attentionbookpeople In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage. Stephen Colbert gaysorryheaven I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. Stephen Colbert sawsguybelieve Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative. Stephen Colbert knivesairpeople You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection. Stephen Colbert ifsfactsneeds Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal. Stephen Colbert petapleaseanimal My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland. Stephen Colbert oceanmencountry
