We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life. Chelsea Handler pilates body found I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied — so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared. Chelsea Handler half today school I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life. Chelsea Handler gay humor funny Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby. Chelsea Handler tattoo baby funny If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked. Chelsea Handler humor letters funny I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later. Chelsea Handler party humor funny I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming! Chelsea Handler humor funny sex ... some of the best sex I can barely remember. Chelsea Handler humor funny sex Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.' Chelsea Handler empowering wall successful The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack. Chelsea Handler fashion humor funny To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’ Chelsea Handler stupid may believe I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child. Chelsea Handler mother kids children Women don't have to be jealous of other women. Chelsea Handler being-jealous jealous It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes. Chelsea Handler pleasure eye play You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women. Chelsea Handler married rapper long Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one. Chelsea Handler heathers your-best-friend mcdonalds If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month? Chelsea Handler girl months blood The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents. Chelsea Handler would-be kids thinking Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.' Chelsea Handler clubs dad thinking Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er. Chelsea Handler impatient crazy waiting