We usually let our husbands negotiate the house and the cars. But I never had a husband, so I was always buying my own houses and cars, so I knew how to negotiate. Lisa Lampanelli More Quotes by Lisa Lampanelli More Quotes From Lisa Lampanelli Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I hear his jokes it reminds me to wipe my ass. Lisa Lampanelli legends lips wipe Larry the Cable Guy has everything: sleeveless shirts, stupid catchphrases. He's Mr. T without the acting chops. Lisa Lampanelli guy acting stupid I'm decorating my parents' house for Christmas... I hope they find my manger with a baby yeezus in it as funny as I do! Lisa Lampanelli women house baby Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping. Lisa Lampanelli escaping funny-sex sex Even going on stage is a service because it brings people up from thinking about their lost job or their lost spouse or something like that, so that even helps people when I'm doing comedy; it's all done to make them laugh. Lisa Lampanelli jobs people thinking A lot of comics just joke around, but it's just as important to get the truth out there. Lisa Lampanelli jokes important People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same. Lisa Lampanelli nothing story single people 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. Lisa Lampanelli you hair time people I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it. Lisa Lampanelli my-life you talking life When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something. Lisa Lampanelli gangster say something hard In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him. Lisa Lampanelli myself you hair art Every day, I wake up and ask, 'Am I hungry?' If I'm physically hungry, I eat something that's hopefully good for me, and then do it again in a few hours. If I get a phone call I don't like, I'll say to myself, 'Is that the reason I want to eat something?' If it is, I try not to do it. It's literally a lifestyle. Lisa Lampanelli day good myself me It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite you over to sit on the couch after your comedy skit. Now it's whatever Howard Stern says goes. Lisa Lampanelli you comedy media important Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me. Lisa Lampanelli me comedy fun people I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. Lisa Lampanelli never myself comedy people I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I wanted to jump onto the tuna boat, I wouldn't because I'm not getting high-class babes that I should get at this level of my career. And I always know the ugly ones are serious and that the good-looking ones are goofing on me. Lisa Lampanelli looking good me ugly I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' Lisa Lampanelli myself me god people Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind the joke, but a tweet is 140 characters or less, and maybe that's why people overreact. I don't need to rustle any more feathers and lose any investors. Lisa Lampanelli lose best me people Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do. Lisa Lampanelli name good you crazy I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets. Lisa Lampanelli person never hate love
