What became clear was that the diocese was not going to be able to continue to carry out its spiritual, charitable and educational missions if it were to continue to shoulder the increasingly heavy burden of litigation expenses associated with these cases.

John Oliver

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

John Oliver

owl numbers people

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

John Oliver

company drug school

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

John Oliver

dutch language doubt

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

John Oliver

baseball war believe

Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it.

John Oliver

trusted democracy

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.

John Oliver

kings beautiful thinking

One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

John Oliver

exceptional one-thing america

It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.

John Oliver

knives political world

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

John Oliver

car games winning

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

John Oliver

flags people world

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'

John Oliver

florida gun law

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

John Oliver

april fools-day excited

Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.

John Oliver

want laughing people

People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.

John Oliver

stupid add people

Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f-‍-‍-ing wants them there.

John Oliver

cookies chocolate want

You don't need people's opinion on a fact.

John Oliver

facts people needs

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.

John Oliver

president law littles

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.

John Oliver

lending mets fans

Politics has become infused with narcissism in America.

John Oliver

narcissism america

Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.

John Oliver

campaigns democracy funny