What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math. Mike Birbiglia More Quotes by Mike Birbiglia More Quotes From Mike Birbiglia I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated. Mike Birbiglia girl littles thinking Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans. Mike Birbiglia perfect night people I think if anything, the fact that it's popular right now makes me go: "Well, I guess I'm going to start doing something else then in the next few years." I dunno, it almost feels hackneyed at this point. To start a premise by saying, "I did this awkward thing." But then again, awkwardness and feeling alienated are always going to be a part of comedy. Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist. Mike Birbiglia awkward feelings thinking To succeed in comedy you ultimately have to put in the hours and get lucky - The amount of people who are able to break through is so small a fraction of the amount of people trying. Mike Birbiglia lucky trying people Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream Mike Birbiglia ice-cream falling-in-love love-is The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial. Mike Birbiglia healthy tvs keys Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.' Mike Birbiglia mad humor funny I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception. Mike Birbiglia ploy reception whole-family It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others. Mike Birbiglia clever funny children Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you. Mike Birbiglia humor strong funny I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!" Mike Birbiglia yankees humor funny When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?" Mike Birbiglia pain song funny Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!" Mike Birbiglia humor trying funny The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is. Mike Birbiglia reluctant one-thing comedy I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness. Mike Birbiglia genuine born style I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!' Mike Birbiglia parents-marriage parent years Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea. Mike Birbiglia creepy people ideas I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk." Mike Birbiglia holiday humor funny I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy. Mike Birbiglia humor soul funny I feel like people have more in common than the news reports. People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain. I'd have to spend an hour on it to get people to understand what I'm saying because it's so instantly polarizing. Because cable news has kind of set up a construct where you're for or against something immediately. So if I said something about it, people would be for or against me immediately. And I don't want that. Mike Birbiglia depressing long people
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