When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form. Craig Ferguson formdoneart Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it. Craig Ferguson chancefeels There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles. Craig Ferguson aromatherapyhard-workspiritual Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia. Craig Ferguson wikipediatodayideas They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel. Craig Ferguson teach-a-man-to-fishdiscoverymen I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view. Craig Ferguson point-of-viewdrunkviews If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that. Craig Ferguson ifssorryknows I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me. Craig Ferguson entertainingpoliticianpolitics My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year. Craig Ferguson raincountryfather Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country. Craig Ferguson girlcountrysex North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran. Craig Ferguson koreairanwhite The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.' Craig Ferguson marijuanacaliforniafirsts Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me. Craig Ferguson sobernightpeople Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana - conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it's time to 'you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.' Craig Ferguson marijuanapowerfulfighting Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is. Craig Ferguson georgiaadorablecampaigns Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer. Craig Ferguson pirateevilwar From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street. Craig Ferguson alcatrazwallamerica In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States. Craig Ferguson fridaypolicecutting The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff. Craig Ferguson differencesdumbstories I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream. Craig Ferguson sourtacoscourt
