Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! Steven Wright dog silly funny I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. Steven Wright humor funny art Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”? Steven Wright five humor funny The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." Steven Wright money humor funny If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? Steven Wright humor writing funny Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? Steven Wright cat cooking justice Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. Steven Wright holograms real might I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't. Steven Wright motivation funny lying I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger. Steven Wright humor keys funny I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Steven Wright humorous witty life While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?" Steven Wright humor gone funny My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old. Steven Wright eight friendship years I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. Steven Wright selling wonder want I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes." Steven Wright cake humor funny When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. Steven Wright kids years thinking My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it. Steven Wright girlfriend one-day death I invented the cordless extension cord. Steven Wright comedy humor funny Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Steven Wright humor use funny I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. Steven Wright humorous college school The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. Steven Wright humor watches funny
