Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright Is it possible to be totally partial? Steven Wright I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6. Steven Wright mapssummerpeople Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Steven Wright moneyhumorfunny I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. Steven Wright dreamnightwatches Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together? Steven Wright humortogetherfunny I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still. Steven Wright technologyfunnyscience Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Steven Wright businesscleverfunny The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me. Steven Wright humorwaitingfunny Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. Steven Wright comedianstuffthinking You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time. Steven Wright humortimefunny I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. Steven Wright humorbirdfunny Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. Steven Wright subconsciouslanguagesometimes When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Steven Wright humordoefunny Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Steven Wright interstatehawaiihighways I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. Steven Wright humorwaitingfunny I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11. Steven Wright i-havent-changedchangedhavens I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. Steven Wright dollarshumorfunny Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em Steven Wright true-lieswomenems If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? Steven Wright scientisthumorfunny Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Steven Wright productshumorfunny
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