Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.

Tim Allen

Categorized in : Funny God Humorous

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

mom teamwork friendship

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you. by Tim Allen

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

ifs

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a... by Tim Allen

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

couple love romantic

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.

real men son

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

yeah might sometimes

The greatest missile in the world is useless ... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids--for everyone, even if you fail at first--to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.

arrows important kids

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

jobs men children

Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!

sound numbers giving

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and ve... by Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

mom mother funny

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

tired missing golf

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

men promise moving

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

nephew humor funny

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.

funny believe thinking

There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, .. Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.

roles country culture

I look at it this way: How much of the day are you awake? You think, "I've gotta get that dry cleaning, I gotta get this going, and this, and this, and this." And all of a sudden it's dinnertime. And then there's a moment of connection with your spouse or your friends. Then you read and go to bed. Wake up and then it's the same all over. You're not awake, you're not living, you're not experiencing. We start early medicating ourselves. We start kids early, on TV and video games and so on.

life kids thinking

When you're 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.

gone wonderful father

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand. by Tim Allen

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

stories listening

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it. by Tim Allen

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

broke stills ifs

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

motorcycle children people

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect... by Tim Allen

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

mom example kids