Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Steven Wright orangehumorfunny I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends. Steven Wright mirrorsteachingthinking I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property. Steven Wright propertypiecesland Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Steven Wright humorjusticefunny I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time. Steven Wright humortimefunny Smoking cures weight problems, eventually. Steven Wright humorbeerfunny I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. Steven Wright humornightfunny Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. Steven Wright foghumorfunny Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Steven Wright humorfunnyart I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. Steven Wright tapemirrorshouse I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better. Steven Wright teamhumorfunny I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am. Steven Wright classteacherschool What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright sillyinspirationalfunny A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here. Steven Wright takenfriendshipfunny OK, so what's the speed of dark? Steven Wright humordarkfunny I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. Steven Wright humorrealfunny I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far. Steven Wright hitchhikingthankssaid Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Steven Wright bagshumorfunny I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. Steven Wright almost-dyingbungeedying When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel. Steven Wright mindtryinglooks
