With this face, I need all the deals I can get. by Joan Rivers

With this face, I need all the deals I can get.

Joan Rivers

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I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people... by Joan Rivers

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think sheâ€™s mean.

mean people thinking

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

enjoy-life alive mean

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surg... by Joan Rivers

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

sailing hilarious pay

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. L... by Joan Rivers

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

age memorable needs

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

daughter mother sleep

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

daughter wish littles

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'... by Joan Rivers

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

dating mom mother

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

unexpected surprise

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

eggs mother years

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill... by Joan Rivers

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without p... by Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

comedian wish memorable

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

hilarious mistake funny

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

grief running sports

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

oscars blonde hair

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. by Joan Rivers

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

strong-women smart inspiring

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change. by Joan Rivers

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

loose-change dollars figures

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer. by Joan Rivers

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

pain husband love

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another tr... by Joan Rivers

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

las-vegas tunnels humor

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.

worst-moments adventure laughing