Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings. Rita Rudner More Quotes by Rita Rudner More Quotes From Rita Rudner I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner lovelifefunny When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks. Rita Rudner love-yourelationshipchildren You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams. Rita Rudner airplanefunnythinking When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner lovelifefunny The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. Rita Rudner healthexercisefitness Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture. Rita Rudner bearsmenpeople Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do. I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." Rita Rudner halloweendoorspeople I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen Rita Rudner hilariouskitchencooking If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. Rita Rudner humormenfunny They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. Rita Rudner moneyhumorfunny In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy. Rita Rudner accomplishmentgirlschool Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner marriagepainfunny My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner grandmotherhusbanddeath I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. Rita Rudner parentingwittychildren Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. Rita Rudner anniversarylovefunny A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? Rita Rudner clothesfiredresses My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. Rita Rudner boyfriendmarriagebreakup Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? Rita Rudner weekendmarriagechildren Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. Rita Rudner daughtermomfunny Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly. Rita Rudner drinkingwittyfunny
