Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs. Zach Galifianakis More Quotes by Zach Galifianakis More Quotes From Zach Galifianakis You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before. Zach Galifianakis humordrinkingfunny I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis growing-uphumorfunny The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis abbreviationslongmean Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread. Zach Galifianakis crazyhumorfunny Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. Zach Galifianakis agreeinfluencetoo-much You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. Zach Galifianakis sneakershumorfunny I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! Zach Galifianakis writingfunnybook I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver. Zach Galifianakis dreamfunnymoving My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself. Zach Galifianakis new-yeargirlyears I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock. Zach Galifianakis hammockshumorfunny At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? Zach Galifianakis humorfunnythinking Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven? Zach Galifianakis humorfunnythinking My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings. Zach Galifianakis humorbrotherfunny I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. Zach Galifianakis hangovermenthinking I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch. Zach Galifianakis humorsorryfunny When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese. Zach Galifianakis humorfunnylooks I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt. Zach Galifianakis humorfunnyreality I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!' Zach Galifianakis bullshitbiblepeople My forte is awkwardness. Zach Galifianakis awkwardnessforte I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice. Zach Galifianakis datingsmellguy
