You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver... by Demetri Martin

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

Demetri Martin

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Categorized in : Car Drivers Ten

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

humor funny moving

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

choices fun romantic

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation... by Demetri Martin

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

improvisation feedback thinking

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

looking-forward track morning

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

shoes trying people

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: locatio... by Demetri Martin

The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

adults differences children

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks. by Demetri Martin

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

castles tanks america

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

party people thinking

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

clothes men children

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

pairs pockets sleep

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

humor doors funny

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you by Demetri Martin

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

naps sleep

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

humor men funny

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladie... by Demetri Martin

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

humor sound funny

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

frisbee okay sports

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

house tree sometimes

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, bu... by Demetri Martin

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

cubes drag queens

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

issues humor funny

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? sniff muffins!'

smell answers funny

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not... by Demetri Martin

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

nicknames example want