You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't. Denis Leary More Quotes by Denis Leary More Quotes From Denis Leary Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list. Denis Leary powerful hate son Is it possible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee anymore in this country? What happened with coffee? Did I miss a meeting? They have every other flavor but coffee-flavored coffee. They have mochaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino, al pacino...Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. Denis Leary coffee missing country Crisis doesn't create character; it reveals it. Denis Leary crisis character I'm the enemy. Because I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, the freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of BBQ ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and buskets of cheese, okay? I wanna smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? Denis Leary reading running thinking Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them? Denis Leary hate humor funny I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with. Denis Leary humor funny country Worrying about tomorrow is the best way to screw up today. Denis Leary worry today way I was reading an interview with Keith Richards in a magazine and in the interview Keith Richards intimated that kids should not do drugs. Keith Richards! Says that kids should not do drugs! Denis Leary reading kings jesus I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor. Denis Leary catholic use school Let me tell you something: I love the Yankees. And let me tell you why: because without the Yankees, there is nobody to hate. Denis Leary let-me yankees hate Sometimes I park in handicap spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces. Denis Leary space evil people All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER. Denis Leary beer men sex What firefighters, and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do, basically these people say "I'm going to protect all these strangers." Denis Leary firefighter military people Happy Easter everyone! Jesus dies, comes back from the dead - and we get chocolate eggs. It's like turn-down service from God. Denis Leary chocolate-eggs easter jesus That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now. Denis Leary humor funny jesus I wanted to get more serialized. I had this idea for an event that would click onto everybody's mortality. I said, "I want somebody to die." Fortunately for me, when I was toying with that idea, John Landgraf, who's the head of FX but also a very smart executive, came up with the idea of the ashes in the maracas. He called me up and said, "Listen, what about this, they get the ashes in a box and when they get them, they shake them and they sound like maracas." And I was like, "Okay, now I've got my throughline." Denis Leary smart sound ideas Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads. Denis Leary comedy speech trying Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it. Denis Leary envelopes skeletons believe If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now. Denis Leary favors ifs years Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself. Denis Leary fun
