You just can't win. Men have very recent land mines in their heads. Women have recorded conversations and photographs in their heads from 15 years ago. Denis Leary More Quotes by Denis Leary More Quotes From Denis Leary Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list. Denis Leary powerfulhateson Is it possible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee anymore in this country? What happened with coffee? Did I miss a meeting? They have every other flavor but coffee-flavored coffee. They have mochaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino, al pacino...Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. Denis Leary coffeemissingcountry Crisis doesn't create character; it reveals it. Denis Leary crisischaracter I'm the enemy. Because I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, the freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder - "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of BBQ ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and buskets of cheese, okay? I wanna smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? Denis Leary readingrunningthinking Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them? Denis Leary hatehumorfunny I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with. Denis Leary humorfunnycountry Worrying about tomorrow is the best way to screw up today. Denis Leary worrytodayway I was reading an interview with Keith Richards in a magazine and in the interview Keith Richards intimated that kids should not do drugs. Keith Richards! Says that kids should not do drugs! Denis Leary readingkingsjesus I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor. Denis Leary catholicuseschool Let me tell you something: I love the Yankees. And let me tell you why: because without the Yankees, there is nobody to hate. Denis Leary let-meyankeeshate Sometimes I park in handicap spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces. Denis Leary spaceevilpeople All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER. Denis Leary beermensex What firefighters, and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do, basically these people say "I'm going to protect all these strangers." Denis Leary firefightermilitarypeople Happy Easter everyone! Jesus dies, comes back from the dead - and we get chocolate eggs. It's like turn-down service from God. Denis Leary chocolate-eggseasterjesus That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now. Denis Leary humorfunnyjesus I wanted to get more serialized. I had this idea for an event that would click onto everybody's mortality. I said, "I want somebody to die." Fortunately for me, when I was toying with that idea, John Landgraf, who's the head of FX but also a very smart executive, came up with the idea of the ashes in the maracas. He called me up and said, "Listen, what about this, they get the ashes in a box and when they get them, they shake them and they sound like maracas." And I was like, "Okay, now I've got my throughline." Denis Leary smartsoundideas Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads. Denis Leary comedyspeechtrying Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it. Denis Leary envelopesskeletonsbelieve If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now. Denis Leary favorsifsyears Nobody can make more fun of me than I already make of myself. Denis Leary fun
