You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets. Daniel Tosh More Quotes by Daniel Tosh More Quotes From Daniel Tosh It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! Daniel Tosh humor spring funny I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee. Daniel Tosh coffee Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. Daniel Tosh husband men fall I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts. Daniel Tosh fans want funny At least gays don't kill babies before their due date. Daniel Tosh due-date gay baby You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head? Daniel Tosh gossip driving men The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid. Daniel Tosh failing towns television I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances. Daniel Tosh balls numbers people I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. Daniel Tosh definitions funny television Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words. Daniel Tosh rapper southern writing Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. Daniel Tosh humor parent funny It's not a stereotype if it's always true. Daniel Tosh stereotype humor funny Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid. Daniel Tosh stupid may looks I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not. Daniel Tosh hate funny jesus I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare. Daniel Tosh scare house pregnancy The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? Daniel Tosh humor blow funny Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair. Daniel Tosh curly-hair balls want I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension. Daniel Tosh funny people ideas If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane. Daniel Tosh lanes enough blow I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country, that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? Daniel Tosh marijuana smoking country
