You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. Joan Rivers comedianmemorablelaughing A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon. Joan Rivers hotmemorablechildren After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. Joan Rivers datingpiecesbody My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn. Joan Rivers holidayfashionfaces In every human endeavor, persistence is everything. Joan Rivers endeavorpersistenceperseverance Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers strangerlifefunny I am furious about everything. Joan Rivers furious Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything. Joan Rivers phonesforeverlaughing Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head. Joan Rivers bagsmaking-loveheart Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men! Joan Rivers girlmenyears I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge. Joan Rivers agingwantlife Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs. Joan Rivers finalspowerfulair I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. Joan Rivers regrethumordone My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. Joan Rivers groupshumorfunny The Palestinians cannot throw rockets and expect people not to defend themselves Joan Rivers rocketspalestinianpeople Don’t worry about the money. Love the process. Joan Rivers processworry Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog. Joan Rivers true-frienddoglove-you Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough. Joan Rivers belovedmemorablelaughing When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time. Joan Rivers cardoorsyears Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things. Joan Rivers upsetstay-strongenjoy
