You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren. Phyllis Diller pillsgrandchildrenbirth-control Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war. Phyllis Diller tragedywould-bewar Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves. Phyllis Diller fightingmorninginspirational Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it. Phyllis Diller marryingtennissports My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car. Phyllis Diller anklescarsex self-pity is better than none. Phyllis Diller self-pitypityself Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn. Phyllis Diller mensexthinking Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty. Phyllis Diller adjustinghumorway On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother. Phyllis Diller grandparentgrandmotherbaby I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband. Phyllis Diller husband It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser. Phyllis Diller ill-willblowinspirational When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown. Phyllis Diller greasesnownight Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. Phyllis Diller pillsslothfunny Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like. Phyllis Diller modern-lifefruitcakepeople My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle Phyllis Diller hatedinspirationmother Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed! Phyllis Diller parlorinspirationalpeople It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister. Phyllis Diller sizejuniorsinspirational I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power. Phyllis Diller dopesoundwant My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows. Phyllis Diller bouquetselbowsfaces Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction. Phyllis Diller husbandwindfunny
