Your audience teaches you how to be funny. Woody Allen More Quotes by Woody Allen More Quotes From Woody Allen Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen inspiringpositiveinspirational If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic. Woody Allen religiousgodfunny Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. Woody Allen beautifullovefunny My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one Woody Allen depressingmothertime I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm. Woody Allen incompetencefathers-dayenthusiasm There is something about big cities that turns me on, and for whatever mysterious reason, places like New York and Paris inspire me. I think it's because cities represent civilization, and as crime-ridden and broken down as some of them are, it's still better than skipping through a meadow. Woody Allen new-yorkcivilizationthinking A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings. Woody Allen no-respectfeelingsmen In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm. Woody Allen backwardsnextwant Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully. Woody Allen teethmaturityage My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. Woody Allen humornightfunny All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. Woody Allen funny-inspirationalwittyinspiring Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. Woody Allen confidencewittyfunny Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college. Woody Allen humorouswittycute Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down. Woody Allen unhappysufferingmovie-love My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen wittyteacherfunny I know what I think but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you. Woody Allen drunklittlesthinking How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways? Woody Allen immatureyeahway Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know? Woody Allen ifsknows Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing. Woody Allen knowsworry Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Woody Allen humorousgodfunny
