Jerry Seinfeld Professions : Comedian Born : April 29, 1954 Browse All Authors Top 314 quotes by Jerry Seinfeld Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Jerry Seinfeld epic birthday funny People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. Jerry Seinfeld hilarious lying people Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success. Jerry Seinfeld not-giving-up failure success If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld hilarious inspirational funny Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. Jerry Seinfeld car funny travel Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!" Jerry Seinfeld coffee couple moving The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! Jerry Seinfeld irs mafia funny Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. Jerry Seinfeld sarcastic life travel There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Jerry Seinfeld family funny children A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld laughter witty funny I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. Jerry Seinfeld rip roots hair Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this? Jerry Seinfeld responsible want witty If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Jerry Seinfeld be-kind humor funny Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!" Jerry Seinfeld dog friendship funny Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers. Jerry Seinfeld winter funny country What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it? Jerry Seinfeld house book people Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? Jerry Seinfeld eye dog animal Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. Jerry Seinfeld music humorous funny What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.' Jerry Seinfeld hurt men thinking Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down." Jerry Seinfeld waiting opposites kids Similar Authors Bob Hope comedian Brent Weinbach comedian Buddy Hackett comedian Bruce Baum comedian Brother Theodore comedian Brother Dave Gardner comedian All Authors
