Tim Vine

Professions :

Writer

Born :

March 4, 1967

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust. by Tim Vine

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

hoover collecting dust

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple o... by Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

tricks couple blow

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

dad brother funny

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes. by Tim Vine

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

sore-eyes site eye

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

humor tuesday funny

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me w... by Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

chinese red ducks

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze. by Tim Vine

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

tanning olympics sun

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

hunting humor funny

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

humor games funny

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I... by Tim Vine

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

humor funny thinking

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

humor trying funny

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. by Tim Vine

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

pun ifs

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. by Tim Vine

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

lazy humor funny

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world... by Tim Vine

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

humor funny believe

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

filing-cabinet humor funny

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many differe... by Tim Vine

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

car levels different

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

oysters humor funny

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out by Tim Vine

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

butlers dishes

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

coffee writing thinking

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it... by Tim Vine

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

glue reading book

Ihab Hassan

Ingmar Bergman

Isabella Bird

Ivan E. Coyote

Al Feldstein

Bert Sugar

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