Quotes by Hilarious I actually don't understand a word Paula's saying anymore. It's like a new language. Simon Cowell hilarious language I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq. Stephen Colbert hilarious government believe First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Steve Martin hilarious inspirational funny People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader. Steven Seagal hilarious real spiritual I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Steven Wright hilarious humorous funny I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. Steven Wright hilarious witty funny On the other hand, you have different fingers. Steven Wright hilarious witty funny Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat. Tao Lin hilarious depressing hands All pretty girls are a trap, a pretty trap, and men expect them to be. Tennessee Williams hilarious girl funny Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Timothy Leary girly hilarious funny Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion. Tina Fey delusion hilarious hard-work If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?” Tina Fey hilarious inspiring inspirational I think women dress for other women to let them know what their deal is. Because if women were only dressing for men, there would be nothing but Victoria's Secret. There would be no Dior. Tina Fey hilarious men thinking Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. Tom Cruise ritalin pseudoscience hilarious I needed to make my wig ogg because I no longer wanted to apologize for who I am Viola Davis hilarious hair inspiring I'll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really. Vladimir Putin gestures hilarious honest The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity. Voltaire hilarious silly funny My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more. Walter Matthau hilarious life funny My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already. Wendy Liebman hilarious husband funny Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get that straight. OK? We don't do crack. We don't do that. Crack is whack. Whitney Houston hilarious cracks too-much «345678910111213»