A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides. Chelsea Handler skinsdrinkingfaces Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit. Chelsea Handler menwarcountry A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree. Chelsea Handler carpeoplethinking When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point. Chelsea Handler exclamation-pointsnecksveins I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties. Chelsea Handler couplebaseballsex If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear. Chelsea Handler vegaswaitinglong It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican. Chelsea Handler sushifreakmexican The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out. Chelsea Handler datingsingle-mommom There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding. Chelsea Handler coupleofferingopportunity People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore. Chelsea Handler namesgivingpeople Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it. Chelsea Handler billsclintonwife There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline. Chelsea Handler warning-signstrampolineswarning Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction. Chelsea Handler addictiondrugovercoming David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself. Chelsea Handler drinkingyearsfall When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me? Chelsea Handler datingmouthsknows Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks. Chelsea Handler presidentuseneeds How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it. Chelsea Handler jailmaythinking Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there. Chelsea Handler humorhomefunny I didn't become a comedian to work this hard. Chelsea Handler hardcomedian Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person. Chelsea Handler heartachefocusimportant
