A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet. Chic Murray More Quotes by Chic Murray More Quotes From Chic Murray After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month. Chic Murray wifehumorfunny So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it." Chic Murray funnylyingfall She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right. Chic Murray tattoogirlfunny The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder. Chic Murray eggshumorfunny I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling. Chic Murray cowboyhumorfunny My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back. Chic Murray motherfunnyfather My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course. Chic Murray humorfunnyfather I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it. Chic Murray humormorningfunny My parents never understood me; they were Japanese. Chic Murray humorparentfunny I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in. Chic Murray hurtsummerfunny My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. Chic Murray nicehumorfunny I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you." Chic Murray scotchhumorfunny We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons. Chic Murray glasseshumorfunny My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark. Chic Murray humordogfunny I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window. Chic Murray humorwantfunny This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since. Chic Murray motherfunnyfather I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it. Chic Murray maddogfunny I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly. Chic Murray humordrinkingfunny I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing. Chic Murray humormissingfunny The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil. Chic Murray humorfunnytwo
