Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' Emo Philips humorgrandfatherfunny When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. Emo Philips partyparentcollege I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. Emo Philips gayhumorfunny I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. Emo Philips runningfunnychildren There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?' Emo Philips theory-of-evolutioncomplimentthinking I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic". Emo Philips drunkusednight People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. Emo Philips humorfunnypeople The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository. Emo Philips exploding At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. Emo Philips glasseshumorfunny My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. Emo Philips sexygirlfriendsoldier I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one. Emo Philips saving-uprepublicansaving I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad. Emo Philips threelifetwo I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back. Emo Philips namesrunningkids I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods. Emo Philips monotheismwholethinking My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. Emo Philips lovelifefunny I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients. Emo Philips gynecologistspatientyears When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell. Emo Philips magictheorytwo I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy. Emo Philips doganimalthinking You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. Emo Philips giverhateknows I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips humorlifefunny
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