Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. Dave Barry More Quotes by Dave Barry More Quotes From Dave Barry Reading... a vacation for the mind. Dave Barry vacationreadingbook European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches. Dave Barry paperusesoccer Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750. Dave Barry common-senseimaginationsimple Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. Dave Barry moviesportsart If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered with French people, why are today's airplanes, which are equipped with radar and computers and individualized liquor bottles, unable to cope with fog? Dave Barry humorousfoodfunny Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the kind of dog that, if it takes an interest in your personal regions (which of course it does) you cannot fend it off with a blowtorch. Dave Barry humorousdogfunny I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize that I mean the Pope. Dave Barry gamesmemoriesmean And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community! Dave Barry sheepanimalfunny The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him. Dave Barry emptywalksdog A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ. Dave Barry distancefloweryears The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. Dave Barry pay-the-pricepowerfulcivilization Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. Dave Barry violencesometimestelevision Teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava floes destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, "Gee, this is swell," then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents. Dave Barry sarcasmteenagerrain Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday! Dave Barry agebirthdaytoday The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables. At night, you will be able to hear the ground quake as more and more zucchinis erupt. Dave Barry zucchinigardennight Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time. Dave Barry bodytryingworld Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the repetitious, the pathetic, the hostile, the deluded, the sefl-righteous, and the shrill. This criticism overlooks the fact that the Internet also offers - for the savvy individual who knows where to look - the tasteless and borderline insane. Dave Barry immatureinsanecriticism My mother told me, “Son, it is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.” I have tried very hard to heed those words. Dave Barry richhealthysick The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs. Dave Barry simplebirthdaymen What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo Dave Barry exactly-isdataducks
