Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said... by Dave Barry

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

Dave Barry

Image Embed Code

Categorized in : Funny Humorous Zero

Recently I began to feel this void in my life, even after meals, and I said to myself, "Dave, all you do with your spare time is sit around and drink beer. You need a hobby." So I got a hobby. I make beer.

hobbies meals beer

When your Super Bowl guests arrive, they should find a mound of potato chips large enough to conceal a pony sitting in front of the television. For nutritional balance, you should also put out a bowl of carrot sticks. If you have no carrot sticks, you can use pinecones, or used electrical fuses, because nobody will eat them anyway. This is no time for nutritional balance: This is the Super Bowl, for God's sake.

ponies balance sticks

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

organization business self

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing. by Dave Barry

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

despair elements writing

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. by Dave Barry

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

ballet-class dancing dance

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

technology answers men

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no f... by Dave Barry

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

humor men funny

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less... by Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

ice-cream cake coffee

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

holiday christmas religious

He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.

sailing phrases funny

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

hilarious witty funny

I guess nobody assumes anybody is a libertarian. It's a more complex political discussion than most people are used to, to explain why you think the way you do about public education or drug laws, and why it's not as simple as being for or against something.

simple law thinking

But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the government and the powerful. I'm sort of a soft-core libertarian in that my compass is generally pointing away from 'Let's let the government do this' Does it matter to me that it's Democrats who think we need more elaborate programs that involve shifting money from one group to another group or it's Republicans saying we need to take a harder look at what kinds of things people are watching on cable TV? Neither one of those things strikes me as a good idea.

powerful fun thinking

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

stupid funny science

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. by Dave Barry

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

god jobs laughing

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

humorous food funny

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?

productive-work sound people

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon

hilarious military believe

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

funny-inspirational respect party

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

drinking beer book