Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors." Demetri Martin cuttinghumorfunny The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time. Demetri Martin knivesfrustratedperfect When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval? Demetri Martin spinningdoeway A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them. Demetri Martin slow-motioneatinglooks If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are. Demetri Martin peopleinterestingthinking I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling. Demetri Martin bowling I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half. Demetri Martin cuttingdumbthinking When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it. Demetri Martin multiple-choicetestschoices I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away. Demetri Martin insanedesirethinking Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen. Demetri Martin partynumbersthinking I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were. Demetri Martin catstupidattitude I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone. Demetri Martin writingnightthinking The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. Demetri Martin comedianactorsfunny When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control. Demetri Martin expressionanimalfall I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location. Demetri Martin locationdifferentsummer I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed. Demetri Martin boatwhalespeople A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic. Demetri Martin excitedpeoplelooks I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe. Demetri Martin tacoswantpeople I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably. Demetri Martin examplepeoplejesus You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball. Demetri Martin ballsglassesway
