Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed Demetri Martin machinesspeedhome My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Demetri Martin nicefunnydirty I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole". Demetri Martin humorfunnyfirsts I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it. Demetri Martin sweatersdogtwo The earth without art is just eh. Demetri Martin art-isearthart Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths. Demetri Martin catdoglooks I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend. Demetri Martin ex-girlfriendgirlfriendthinking It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car. Demetri Martin distancefightingdog Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs. Demetri Martin count-your-blessingsloudblessing How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself. Demetri Martin sketchbookscreativelooks I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles. Demetri Martin shapesculturemoving If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed. Demetri Martin alcoholbedbeer Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original. Demetri Martin clichetiminglong A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.' Demetri Martin couplehumorfunny I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over. Demetri Martin humorbabyfunny Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion. Demetri Martin explosionspopcornresults How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray. Demetri Martin zebrasdoerunning How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door. Demetri Martin doors My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork. Demetri Martin carhumorfunny It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. Demetri Martin role-modelspeoplethinking
