Comics don't usually have very long careers, and I'm 22 years into this. Jeff Foxworthy More Quotes by Jeff Foxworthy More Quotes From Jeff Foxworthy You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. Jeff Foxworthy redneckhomeinspirational A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon.' Jeff Foxworthy up-northweatherthinking Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. Jeff Foxworthy dogbabyfunny Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. Jeff Foxworthy humorbabyfunny If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.' Jeff Foxworthy familyfeelingsfunny We sing about God because we believe in Him. We are not trying to offend anybody, but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion about whether or not He exists. Jeff Foxworthy littlestryingbelieve I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles. Jeff Foxworthy humorsongfunny Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks. Jeff Foxworthy fishingcollegejesus Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat. Jeff Foxworthy oceanhumorfunny Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to run out on the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here, ain't it! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna go take a nap now, all right?" Jeff Foxworthy sweetbabymen Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass. Jeff Foxworthy dadgivingkids I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument. Jeff Foxworthy second-chancehousehome You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Jeff Foxworthy redneckyardsflower You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. Jeff Foxworthy humorfunnybook You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house. Jeff Foxworthy redneckcauseshouse If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck Jeff Foxworthy redneckmeanthinking If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck. Jeff Foxworthy bailredneckmight I wish I could relate to the people I'm related to. Jeff Foxworthy reunitingwishpeople You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more. Jeff Foxworthy partyofficemoon You might be a redneck if an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. Jeff Foxworthy redneckwallmean
