Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'

Andy Rooney

Categorized in : Machines Great Day Being Positive

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney

women smart pigs

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Andy Rooney

dog inspirational funny

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More

Andy Rooney

ive-learned forgiving hurt

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

Andy Rooney

happy happiness inspirational

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Andy Rooney

smile happiness love

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Andy Rooney

keeping-your-word cases sweet

Teachers who have plugged away at their jobs for twenty, thirty, and forty years are heroes. I suspect they know in their hearts they've done a good thing, too, and are more satisfied with themselves than most people are. Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Andy Rooney

hero teacher jobs

If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

Andy Rooney

happy inspiring happiness

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Andy Rooney

toilets paper life

Being kind is more important than being right.

Andy Rooney

ive-learned be-kind important

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

Andy Rooney

believe facts people

the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

Andy Rooney

elderly feet education

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

Andy Rooney

gun baseball thinking

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

Andy Rooney

xmas holiday christmas

I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.

Andy Rooney

patriotic mean country

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

Andy Rooney

literature teacher people

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney

morning sex thinking

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Andy Rooney

humor education life

Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time.

Andy Rooney

frustrating loss way

Small daily happenings make life spectacular.... start enjoying the small things in life!

Andy Rooney

one-day-at-a-time things-in-life inspiring