Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! Bob Monkhouse More Quotes by Bob Monkhouse More Quotes From Bob Monkhouse Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional. Bob Monkhouse growing-uphumorfunny Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? Bob Monkhouse humorlifefunny I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap. Bob Monkhouse funny-relationshiphorsewife If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? Bob Monkhouse sunglassesquestions-and-answerspeople My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh. Bob Monkhouse mommotherfunny They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. Bob Monkhouse smartcleverfunny I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard. Bob Monkhouse humorfunnysex I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer. Bob Monkhouse alarmswifefunny Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted. Bob Monkhouse silencehumorfunny My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. Bob Monkhouse humorfunnyfather When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to? Bob Monkhouse inventordrawingboards What do gardeners do when they retire? Bob Monkhouse humorretirementfunny Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days. Bob Monkhouse laughternicemissing A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. Bob Monkhouse humorfeetfunny A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. Bob Monkhouse cathumorfunny I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now Bob Monkhouse comedianwantedlaughing Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents? Bob Monkhouse homelesshumorfunny Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. Bob Monkhouse investmentfunny-marriagepay Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money. Bob Monkhouse real-happinessgirlreal The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time. Bob Monkhouse archerhumorfunny
