Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

Jim Gaffigan

Categorized in : Funny Morning Dream

I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.

writing doors thinking

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

guy who-i-am kind

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

comedian criticism believe

There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.

who-i-am people ideas

I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest to do that much research.

interest research

We tend to outdo ourselves. by Jim Gaffigan

We tend to outdo ourselves.

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

toddler doe baby

Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look like I've just watched a horror film on a rollercoaster. Kids love to scream. Frightened, happy, bored. They scream. I've actually learned to love the sound of a vacuum cleaner. It's just so peaceful.

peaceful bored kids

There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon. by Jim Gaffigan

There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

vegetarian people

I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.

summer people world

I'm kind of like a guy who's missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I'm also a mama's boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I'm kinda half guy's guy.

guy missing boys

Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It's something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.

hard-work real book

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

humor baby funny

As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'

cancer talking people

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.

dad wanted ideas

If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go... by Jim Gaffigan

If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'

wow written want

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign... by Jim Gaffigan

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

comedian laziness ifs

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'

talking kids people

I kind of consider myself... I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to see me in a theater and they want to have their picture taken with me, it's not the end of the world. It's one of those things, where I'm not the only comic who does it. A lot of comics do it. If I'm doing a 4,000-seat venue, it might be a little bit of a different task, but it's all good.

taken mean people

Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It's just kind of how it's constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don't want to come across as a jerk.

kind want television