Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something." Jim Gaffigan More Quotes by Jim Gaffigan More Quotes From Jim Gaffigan Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act. Jim Gaffigan anxietycomedythinking You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!' Jim Gaffigan stuffjesusthinking There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week. Jim Gaffigan humorfunnynext-week You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent." Jim Gaffigan funnytwothinking When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy. Jim Gaffigan educatedcomedypeople I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family. Jim Gaffigan nextcouplesitting My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes. Jim Gaffigan abrahamwowwife Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause. Jim Gaffigan fryingapplausesound Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine. Jim Gaffigan exammachinesstones I come from a very big family. Nine parents. Jim Gaffigan humorparentfunny I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it." Jim Gaffigan icehumorfunny Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much." Jim Gaffigan humorbluefunny You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares." Jim Gaffigan who-careshumorfunny It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble." Jim Gaffigan painmorningfunny Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle. Jim Gaffigan humorwritingfunny The question is the primary form of communication for little kids. Jim Gaffigan communicationlittleskids I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it." Jim Gaffigan humorwaterfunny Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!" Jim Gaffigan humorfunnybook "I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody Jim Gaffigan up-earlycomedyfunny My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience. Jim Gaffigan comedygoalfunny