Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

Jim Gaffigan

Categorized in : Funny Morning Dream

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provide... by Jim Gaffigan

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

anxiety comedy thinking

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

stuff jesus thinking

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.

humor funny next-week

You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."

funny two thinking

When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.

educated comedy people

I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting nex... by Jim Gaffigan

I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.

next couple sitting

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

abraham wow wife

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applaus... by Jim Gaffigan

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

frying applause sound

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

exam machines stones

I come from a very big family. Nine parents. by Jim Gaffigan

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

humor parent funny

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

ice humor funny

Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."

humor blue funny

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read i... by Jim Gaffigan

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

who-cares humor funny

It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."

pain morning funny

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

humor writing funny

The question is the primary form of communication for little kids... by Jim Gaffigan

The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.

communication littles kids

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

humor water funny

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"

humor funny book

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody by Jim Gaffigan

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

up-early comedy funny

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience. by Jim Gaffigan

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

comedy goal funny